Introducing Bailey, my daughter!

Well, they say it often around here. You know, that old adage – like mother, like daughter. It is as true as the sun shines. We are some very opinionated, strong willed women, and I raised this one. It doesn’t surprise me when things that sound like me, well they come shooting out of her mouth with a wisdom sometimes that seems beyond her years. Sure, she is a teenager, and why should anyone really listen to what teens have to say? Quite simply, because this is the next generation. The next group of twenty something’s, and often, when I look at a sampling of this group, it scares the hell out of me. But, then I look at the contribution I have made to this particular round, and I can only be proud, even if I don’t always agree with their views.

My youngest daughter is the author of the above linked blog. She is an accomplished writer, an amazing girl, and part of my hope for the future. I think that the people who read my blog will enjoy her writing. Please, be kind, she is a 16 year old girl. She is willing to look at other points of view, as long as people are not rude about it. And, with that bout of protective mother out of the way, take a look, peruse her writing, and make your own decision.

I have 3 daughters, very strong and opinionated daughters. They have the potential to be anything they want and the skills to achieve it. And, when I look at that, no where can I say that I failed as a parent. I may not have been perfect, but by god, these are a sampling of the future, and perhaps, there is hope.

Kids, don’t fail me now. I have given you the tools, now learn to spread those wings and fly. I know that anything is possible, now it is up to you to see it!

It Starts With Me…

I look at the world today, and I see so much distress. How has such an advanced society become so screwed up? Where did the fall of humanity really begin? And how do we solve it?

I began to ask those questions, and many more. And the answers came. So, what is the giant solution to all the world’s problems? Sometimes you do have to go backwards before you can come back to the board with positive solutions. Example, perhaps we have it all wrong when we spend billions annually to house prisoners, but we leave our wounded veterans homeless. They served our country, and did so with honor. The common criminal, where exactly is his honor? Do they really deserve mercy after needlessly taking a life?  Have we really lost sight of what is best for the whole in order to satisfy the few? When did the minority begin to lead the majority? Sure, everyone deserves a voice, but that doesn’t mean it is going to be agreed with. Not everyone would agree with my solutions to the world’s issues.

So, what does that make me? Someone who has given up on the humanity of the world. When hatred seems to be the leading factor in so many decisions, why would I have a ton of hope for it? Look at all the wars, and the potential for another one right here on the borders of the USA and Mexico. We have lines drawn on a map that says, “this is our land, stay out.” Yet, we didn’t make the land. It is not ours, it is only borrowed. What the real solution to this is, I don’t know. Perhaps we wouldn’t have such a massive financial crisis looming if we spent billions on simply helping to improve water systems, instead of bombing the hell out of a place for oil. When money drives the world, only evil can follow, and we have become a very materialistic society.

Sure. I look at the world and see a host of problems, but I also see the chance to do better. And the reality of that is, it starts with me. Do I have enough hope to change the world all by myself, no. But, the thing about hope is that it is contagious. When you place hope on what you bring as a value to the world, instead of conforming to the societal decisions, it does spread. Everyone is unique, and they have to find their own value that they bring to the world. We have lost sight of this. Not everyone is meant to be a computer programmer or other office based jobs. We have lost sight of the value of our differences. When we peacefully celebrate the differences of humanity, accepting that we are not all going to agree on political, economic and religious belief’s, we can then begin to change the world.

Fighting over whether or not Christ died on the cross, or whether he was a messiah or a prophet, where is there really peace in that? When we treat each other with so much hatred, war is always the only result. Does this mean I like everyone I meet? No, but I don’t intend to go to war over it, not without a damn good cause. And I know what my values are, and what is justifiably a good cause for me. These are things that each individual decides for themselves.

As for the prisoners vs. veterans. Take the prison system. Overhaul it. Put people back to breaking rocks for the minor offenses, while living in a tent city, and turn those billion dollar facilities into a housing scenario for our wounded and downtrodden warriors to heal. As for anyone not capable of living in society without causing harm, well they caused harm, therefore, get a rope. They forfeit their right to life when they so brazenly take another’s without an honorable cause.

Enough is enough. When we expand human rights to people who have abdicated their right to be amongst society, where should it say that I will take better care of you than far more deserving people? And what kind of deterrent would that be? Maybe our broken society has a chance, but it is because I know that there are people saying change begins with me.

Wonder and Loss

It has been a while since I have written, and it is because I began to decipher where I wanted to go with this blog. I have wrestled with the decision, but it finally came down to there are many people like me who were/are lost, and they may not know how to really find their way. So, I figured I would tell my story, with gentle eloquence, and allow people to make up their own minds about what path they need to take that best suits their needs, hopes, fears and soul.

The first eight years of my life were a very difficult path, and it left me angry, hurt and bitter for so many years. I will never disclose that story, as it is not one most people could handle. I can say with everything in me, that the path of heartache, and harm, allowed me to become who I am today. It formed the deepest empathy for people, especially the down and broken, even if I know that I can’t help them find their way. That is not something any one can do. Everyone’s path is their own to walk. The directions it will take, you cannot control. You can only advise, and hope that the counsel you give is what they needed to hear. Even when they may not be able to hear it, or at least seem not to.

By the time I reached my teenage years, I felt very lost and alone. But, who doesn’t feel lost and alone in the teenage years with all the awkward that it is. Changing bodies, changing relationships, it is all about a time of change, and well, I can honestly say, I did not handle it well; though I succeeded at graduating to adulthood. I have come to be able to look at the teen years from both sides of the equation as the time of preparation. The innocence of childhood is left behind, and the struggle to become a functioning adult begins. We, as parents, are the teachers that will help shape and mold this time, as long as the fractures of mistakes don’t rise up and bite like a cobra.

And then, lo and behold, the realm of life that I will begin.

I was twenty years old, and already a divorced mother of one beautiful daughter, and pregnant with my second child. Fear surrounded every breath, every second of that time, yet, somehow I knew that it would be ok in the end. I was on bed rest, and had far too much time to analyze everything. From my relationship with the father to the upcoming birth of my daughter. I had already failed at a marriage, and that was my problem. I had failed. What ever made me think I could be a parent on my own? Yet, within a month, I would be exactly that. A single parent with a newborn, beautiful, baby girl.

I was fortunate to have the backbone of my parents behind me, even though I really didn’t deserve it. I had given them hell. But, we love our children, no matter how wrong they are, no matter how many mistakes they make. And, its a good thing that the love of a parent is blind, because well, I would have been kicked to the curb long before this time frame if it had been any other relationship.

Thus, the birth of my daughter arrived, and I was thrilled!! She had made it to full term, and was healthy. That was the beginning of a beautiful life, full of the duality that surrounds us in this world.

At this time, I was certain of my beliefs, I just didn’t know anyone who really believed the same things I did. I have always been a person to look at what is right and what is wrong in a very black and white state. I have never been one to have shades of grey, or the tolerance for them. People say I have strong morals, and they are probably correct, even if I don’t always handle them in the best response. I have committed wrongs to try and correct someone’s actions that directly affect me or my family.

Thus, I looked at the world as if drawn by the most magnificent artist. Every blade of grass was the beauty of a brush stroke. Every flower elegantly painted to for the color spectrum. I saw the diversity of people as an amazing thing, even if one could not always agree. I saw the duality of people as something to celebrate. That the flaws were like the shading in a drawing, which highlights the best features of the persona. I saw the world as one giant competition as well. But, I did not understand how right I was. Not then.

I claimed to be a Christian because it was the only faith I knew. Not because it was what I understood. And, I believed in things that seemed to lie outside of the approved dogma of the system. I also did not attend church, for I was not ever really raised in the church, but in the times I had attended, I felt like it was innately wrong. Like I was the outsider who would never fit into the puzzle of their beliefs. To me, what I did know and read from the Bible, I felt was such a narrow gaze. And the one question I always kept coming back to, is if I believe things to be possible that do not fit into the spectrum of the beliefs, what did that make me? Evil?

It was about this time that I met my future husband. We were friends, and perhaps we landed together because we were both lost. I don’t know. What I do know is that we had a similar thought on our beliefs. Until, we decided to have children, twins. The reality of the world began to really sink in, and looking at all 4 of my children, I began to ponder, what did I want for them? What kind of upbringing did I want for such beautiful creations? And, that was it. Time to pack up the family, and head off to church. We were not an every Sunday attender, as broken down vehicles and hospitalizations would pull us away. By the time the first two years of living the Christian belief system had come around, we had been married in the church, began to raise our children to believe in the Word, and everything was broken.

But, I held strong to my faith, and over the years, I became a bible thumping Christian. At one point, I threw away my daughters books because they talked about the Roman gods, and I saw her losing her faith. Yep, full blown, bible thumping Christian. And, though I knew my marriage of 10+ years was over, it was the Band-Aid that held it together, along with not wanting my children to grow up in a broken home.

No, I couldn’t see how broken it already was, no matter how much we pretended that we were so in love. My middle daughter was not naïve. She saw it. Though, she didn’t scream it out loud, she would say things that told me she saw it. She has always had an intuition that I understood. Though, she will live a difficult road trying to come to an understanding of it herself.

At the end of my marriage, I stood at the crossroads, and began to again decide what I wanted for my children. Did I want them to really believe that there was not choices to be made after you had made a mistake, or did I want them to believe that they had options, no matter what the biblical guide said. And, so I began to look at what I believed, again. This time though, I had to break down the answer to a question. Who owns the pornographic industry? And, I got my answer, but I never expected it to involve my spiritual beliefs.

The fracture at finding out that the belief system of Sodom and Gomorrah had not died, and that it was the very same people who owned and profited from it, well, that was destructive.

So, I began to hear one scripture in my head. Seek and ye shall find. So, I began that process. I didn’t at first go searching in books and such. I began by sitting on my front porch every morning, drinking coffee, and watching the sun rise. I began to notice a process. The birds sang with every rise of the sun. It would start with one bird, almost like it was the alarm clock, and then progressively, they would join in. I noticed that the animal kingdom was seemingly celebrating the arrival of the sun. And, they were. Whether it was, the sun is up, now it is time to wake and live, or what I cannot say. I have never heard the wisdom of the birds.

But, as I began to really watch the world, I began to see a duality to it. And to me, it was art. And, the more I saw that duality, the more I began to understand, I was not an evil sinful person bound to the depths of hell. I was just believing in something that didn’t fit. I was the puzzle piece that had to find the right puzzle. And, so began my journey.

And that is the journey I will tell. The past several years of finding myself.

Teaching Daughters

Image I look at this photo, and wonder. I wonder how a young girl who appeared to have a million chances to lay a path for her future could have it go so terribly wrong, while at the same time influencing the world. Does this mean the world follows her, no. But, she does influence some. To others, this is the laughing stock she has become…Image

I did not put the worst possible picture up, because I will not further her influence of trashy behavior.  What has feminism become? When nudity and sex is the prevailing force behind what women began fighting for so long ago? I have to wonder if they would be disgusted with today’s women and the behaviors that are being thrown around as women’s liberation. They began with simply fighting for equality. A voice, the right to vote, so that they could have an opinion. So, that when politics came up in conversation, their opinion mattered and they didn’t stand in the background of conversation. Where they were to be seen, and not heard, as children were once said to be, and are sometimes still said to be.

So, what would they say? Would they grab each and every woman by the ear and drag us around and scream that this is not what we were fighting for! We were fighting for equal footing sure, but not this. Not so women could run around scantily clad looking like fools! What are we as women really saying? That sex can get me anything I want? Really? How many marriages are successful today with that motto? How many families are destroyed by sex sales? By affairs of many forms? How many heartaches are felt as the children suffer the hardest blows?

Sure, equality is a good thing, but in the right ways, and ladies, I am here to say that we have lost sight of that. I would rather teach my children that, then teach them that we are on the right track, because, pardon my bluntness here, that is BULLSHIT! We are so far off track that we look like fools, see example above.

There are many women who can pull of classy, well mannered, well behaved, and they do it without selling their very souls. Because sex is attached to the soul. You lose a piece of yourself with every partner you have. So, therefore, choose wisely. Dress modestly, and save your heart and soul for the one that is going to appreciate the real  you. Not the fake façade that you put on as armor against the world. Because that is not love. That is not going to gain you anything but heartache.

What you will gain is being lost. Broken. AND one day left wondering how the hell I got here? Then, you will look back and see the road to hell is paved with bad choices. So, learn from mistakes, even from the ones you didn’t yourself make. Heed the advice and warnings of your predecessors, and understand that you are on a one way trip to the land of insanity. Where you will lose that land of happiness you think you are carving. Because truth is, you are creating bad habits, and those habits break what you will later try to build.

And, truth is, this is good advice for both sons and daughters, I can only tell from the perspective of a girl though. And the fight that our ancestors fought to give us the rights we take for granted. Hope you heed the warning of a previous generation.


Modern Vs Generational Knowledge

I remember when I became a parent, my grandmother would try to pass on knowledge about how to handle certain things like teething and colic with my children, and my answer was always well the doctors said blah, blah, blah. But, now, I am really wondering if I did a disservice to myself, and my children. The reason is because we are having to go back and relearn the knowledge of the past. Why? Because of things like antibiotic resistance, which in a matter of just a few generations has become a serious problem. And today’s doctors don’t know how to treat patients when antibiotics fail. That is the harshest truth. The don’t have the knowledge about the naturally occurring antibiotics that will treat infections, and there are some out there, otherwise, how did the human race ever survive before the modern doctor?

So, maybe my Grandmother wasn’t wrong, or that crazy old lady who wasn’t up to date. Maybe we were the ones who had it backwards. Is there a place for modern medicine. Yes. But everything has it’s place. And so must the wisdom of the past take it’s place, and be past forward as well, only then can we achieve a true harmony of knowledge in health. Healing must come from not just the physical, but also a complete understanding that the person is a complexity. Mind, body and soul. And those things must be in balance to have proper health. We have lost sight of this in modern medicine. We treat mind, and body, but often we forget the soul. Once we begin to truly nourish that which we are, we might just have a much more decent world to live in.

I don’t know what exact knowledge or beliefs my grandmother had, but I know the journey I now partake. So, it’s to the land of learning that I gladly will go. If you ever come to the point where antibiotics don’t work for you, at least you will know that there is another door to go through.

Stupid Stamp

One day, I looked at my ex, and his bliss, and thought do I have that same stamp of Stupid on my forehead? Then it dawned on me, of course I do. Why, because, as the ex, I know all of the horrid skeletons, but as the new kid on the block, I am still discovering all the wonderful things, so I am willing to overlook the skeletons for now. Eventually, as usual, they will catch up on the scales, and well, it will then come down to which outweighs the other… the skeletons, or the wonderful?

So, for now, I dawn my stupid stamp happily oblivious. When it catches up to me, people can either tell me I told you so, or they can congratulate me. We shall see.

But, well, I am happy, and that is all I need to know.


What Does It Mean?

Every year the hustle and bustle of the season comes, and the joy of it seems to be lost. Where has it gone? But, this year, this year the kick in the teeth seems especially gritted in. Especially when my son thinks he is on the naughty list because of the actions of another. He’s not. I am fighting with every breath I have to come up with a miracle cure to this holiday season, and well, it is an up hill climb.

So, I have come to look at this with a different approach than seasons before. It has not been easy, and to open the youthful eyes, well that maybe the hardest job of it all. The gifts that they are used to receiving will not be the ones decked out in bows under the tree this year, and this they already know. But, the valuable lesson, the ones they will be receiving have so much heart involved. It took so much more time and thought and effort for them to come together, than the fight through the crowds, and the check out lines. These will be things that they can keep, and possibly treasure.

That is the goal of this year. To utilize what started out as a sad and depressing opening to a holiday season, as a chance to teach my children that it is never about the item you receive, but, it is about the love that is given. So, here’s to the hope that they learn about the biggest gift I can ever give, that never comes wrapped in a package other than the one that is in the human soul of who I am.

For everyday, they bring me joy, laughter, tears, and every wonderful emotion in between. Which is what life is made up of. I wouldn’t trade a moment of it for anything! And that is the best gift they could ever give to me. I am truly happy!