the bluest eyes,

rarely seen.

came today,

began to gleam.

they sang a song,

rarely heard,

broken hearted,

by broken words.

the instrument of their voice,

shed water from the broken host.

she hung her head,

she tried to hide,

the saddest tears lullaby.

she shattered down amongst her shame,

at the choices she has made.

she let love,

be her guide,

only to get alibis.

the saddest eyes,

you’ve ever seen,

sang their song,

then went away.

the piercing gaze,

of the mask,

has once again,

dawned its place.

colored eyes again changed

the fiery phoenix deep inside,

rose again and led her life.


I see a time of great change ahead of this world. Fear is the one thing that will destroy the ability to heal. It will tear all apart. If we do not learn to sit amongst one another, with both acceptance and segregation, we will destroy the world as we know it. I can’t say I am a Christian, but, I can’t say I completely disagreed with the teachings of Christ. With that said, ya know, Jesus threw the money changers out of the temple. What temple exactly??? I would garner the suggestion as the temple being earth. Why, because money is the fundamental failure behind the global economy. It derives hate over acceptance. It’s fundamental use as a tool to create slavery is sad. We spend our whole lives working for a piece of paper. We have lost the true fundamental value that was behind the currency. Currency is legal tender for the easement of trade. However, this is where the problem lies, your trade is never as valuable as the monetary token. Why? Because there is no such thing as even trade. By the time the currency lands in your hands, it already has a fundamental debt attached, therefore the moment it is printed, it is not worth the paper it is printed on. You cannot create something out of nothing. That is exactly what money is. Something created from nothing. It you look at scientific research and theories, there was something prior to the big bang, now what was it?

Money is a computer program running the barter and trade system. It takes numerical values of zero and creates 1 -1 = 0 theory. You truly do not require money to live in this world, we have only become blinded to this fact. Everyone has a trade, skill, assets that is tradable. We have just forgotten how to live as a community of assets. Whether you have beautiful penmanship, and a neighbor needs wedding invitations. She grows a beautiful garden. Thus a bargain can be struck to create appeasement between the two.

We live in a world of “no haggle pricing” and have lost the art of humanity. Look at the work of the ancient artisans. What did we miss? What has been lost to the eons of time? That there is a better way. Humanity must adapt or die. How many times has war come down to one fundamental cause, someone is going to make money! We send our children to die for it, why? We argue about belief systems that have gotten so lost in the story that they can’t see the forest for the trees. God is in everything! Not just humanity. We are peons on a much bigger living system. We are the ants and the earth, she is our sustenance. We have forgotten the mother, and so the mother will forget us. We will reap what we sew, and thus far, it is a sad fate.

Socio-economic study needed…

I am not a professor, I am a student of the world. I don’t have a PhD in education, I have a PhD in life. And, I look at the state of affairs in this world, and I have wondered how we became such a lost and broken society.

This is where my answers have landed.

Women’s rights. I am not saying that women don’t have a right to be equal, we do. But, have we given up the very equality we so desperately perceived ourselves not to have???

Let’s look at the world since women’s rights became an issue. These are the socio-economic factors I have began to believe I understand.

Women went to work, and suddenly our time was scarce. We no longer had the time to tend to our children, so daycares became the answer. First, they were other homemakers caring for children while their parents worked, but as more women entered the workforce, daycare centers became a dime a dozen. Who is going to treat and teach your children the values you feel are important? The only people who are fully capable of this are the parents.

Since the women’s rights movement became a complete and total rally of success, we have lost so much. And the biggest break down is morality.

Though it seems like such a long time ago, it wasn’t. I am of a seriously transitional generation. My grandmother was a stay at home mother who raised six children. My mother was a working mother who raised 4, and I am somewhere in between the two worlds. I dabble in a bit of both, mostly out of necessity. This world requires two incomes, but why??? That is the biggest question I had to answer.

Women in the home just 50 years ago, had a tendency to create a community with their neighbors. One woman would garden, preserve and share the fruits of her labor. She utilized this skill to feed her family and keep the costs of the supplies needing to be purchased to a lower cost. How, by growing the fruits and vegetables necessary to feed her family. Now, does everyone have a green thumb? No. That is where community came in. The woman who gardened, she could trade for other skills she did not possess. Let’s say she could grow the food, but didn’t have the skills to cook it up to the level of delicious fashion that her neighbor down the street could. An arrangement could be met, I will give you ingredients if you teach me how to cook like that. Whoa, people working together for a common goal. Add the neighbor next door that can sew. What could she bring to the mix? And thus, community was formed.

Women are the backbone of society. We are the mothers of the earth. We are the moral compass, and yet, we have become so divided over what is wrong, that we can’t see the solutions staring us in the face. We have become too focused on our own identities, that we have lost the ability to fully see where we fit in the larger whole.

When women were at home, the crime rate was much lower. Teen pregnancy, though it existed was lower. Children were taken care of and the community was the safe haven to allow them to grow and learn. Our community is broken, and we are what is missing.

Men have always been the ones to go out, earn a meal, whether by their own bare hands with hunting and gathering, or by the sweat of their brow for a dollars wage. This is their role in this world and in the family. Women took on the responsibility of provider-ship, and began screaming at the top of their lungs, “I don’t need a man to make it in this world!” Yet, that is the natural order of things, and it is. It takes the combining of a man and a woman to create something that is precious and beautiful and the best thing that has ever happened to me. Children.

What is broken is the society that our children now grow up in. We send them off to daycare, then school, then college, and say ok, it’s time to be an adult and take care of yourself. But, we forget how much we are paying to outsource jobs of the household in order for women to work.

Childcare, food preparation and supplies, laundry, cleaning (the maid business is a booming industry), clothing, and so much more.

IT used to be cheaper to make your own clothes than to purchase them from a store. This is very backwards, as you are the one putting the labor into the items, yet it cost more money to make your own clothes? How is this not backwards? We have foods that are no longer wholesome and nutritious, we have a guaranteed heart attack in a box if you eat enough of it. We buy clothes only to need a specialty cleaners to clean them? Why?

All of these things is knowledge we have begun to lost, and have allowed to be taken from us because we have become a society that is taking the “easy life” for granted. Life has never been easy, but we have lost the skill to believe in the ability to fix what is broke, feed what is hungry, nurture what is hurting, and so much more. We have turned to drugs to make us happy, when the reason it seems most aren’t, is the crop in which they sewed their life.

Do I need a man in my life, no, not really. I am capable of making it in this world without one. We always have been. How many frontier women have you read about? What was always the key to survival if the husband died or became lame? Community and a gritting belief that the children can not go without the needs that are so important. And the most important is love.

Now, back to a little history.

Life was not easy when I was a child, but it was the community of family that made sure survival occurred. My aunt and grandmother grew a garden in their back yard. My grandmother sewed my clothes, and I loved them! The world was my oyster and she would make anything I designed. It taught me imagination coming to fruition.

My mom, the woman who is most directly responsible for the woman I have become today, she persevered. She overcame every hardship and always made sure that her children had food to eat, clothes to wear, and a warm bed to sleep. I never went without. I had her love, her compassion, and her strength, and I still do. So much so, that I believe I am capable of starting a conversation over what it would take to make the world a better place.

Love. It’s really that simple. We don’t have to judge one another to feel better about ourselves. We have lost the community, and by doing that, we have lost society. Our children have grown up tended to by TV’s, Xbox and internet. Look at what they are being taught. Women, take off your clothes and parade around because the only value you have is what someone sees when you are naked. We forgot that we are soulful human beings that have a deep desire to love, and be loved in return. Every person on this planet desires that. It doesn’t matter if you disagree about how they live their lifestyle, whether it be a man loving a man, or a woman loving a man. Life is hard enough without throwing harsh judgment into the mix. Yes, there are certain moralities that must exist for everyone to co-exist. That is the area in which the world has become so gray.

Michael Jackson said it best: I’m starting with the man in the mirror, I’m asking him to change his ways. No message could be made any clearer, if you want to make the world a better place, then take a look at yourself and make that change.

We have stopped seeing our own potential for flaws, and our own potential for growth, and that has been the biggest contributor to society as a whole. It became me, instead of we. It became a world of selfish, self centered, angry people, and I became the leading word. We, we are the world, we are the home, we are the hearth, we are the hope. When it’s we, and we agree on the lines of do not cross, we get a long so much better. Problem is, we have lost sight of where that line begins and a personal responsibility to morality ends.

I hope for the world, unfortunately, hope does not seem to be the light that all are guiding their hearts with. Because beyond hope, lies the seed of love.

Perhaps putting the heart back in the home is the solution  we need so badly. Maybe fathers would see their value and mothers not feel so overburdened with the responsibilities that their children get sent off to a machine to give the time necessary to get things done. We need to learn to work together again. Fix what is broken, and that, starts with family. Heal the family unit, and then begin to heal society.

Introducing Bailey, my daughter!


Well, they say it often around here. You know, that old adage – like mother, like daughter. It is as true as the sun shines. We are some very opinionated, strong willed women, and I raised this one. It doesn’t surprise me when things that sound like me, well they come shooting out of her mouth with a wisdom sometimes that seems beyond her years. Sure, she is a teenager, and why should anyone really listen to what teens have to say? Quite simply, because this is the next generation. The next group of twenty something’s, and often, when I look at a sampling of this group, it scares the hell out of me. But, then I look at the contribution I have made to this particular round, and I can only be proud, even if I don’t always agree with their views.

My youngest daughter is the author of the above linked blog. She is an accomplished writer, an amazing girl, and part of my hope for the future. I think that the people who read my blog will enjoy her writing. Please, be kind, she is a 16 year old girl. She is willing to look at other points of view, as long as people are not rude about it. And, with that bout of protective mother out of the way, take a look, peruse her writing, and make your own decision.

I have 3 daughters, very strong and opinionated daughters. They have the potential to be anything they want and the skills to achieve it. And, when I look at that, no where can I say that I failed as a parent. I may not have been perfect, but by god, these are a sampling of the future, and perhaps, there is hope.

Kids, don’t fail me now. I have given you the tools, now learn to spread those wings and fly. I know that anything is possible, now it is up to you to see it!

It Starts With Me…

I look at the world today, and I see so much distress. How has such an advanced society become so screwed up? Where did the fall of humanity really begin? And how do we solve it?

I began to ask those questions, and many more. And the answers came. So, what is the giant solution to all the world’s problems? Sometimes you do have to go backwards before you can come back to the board with positive solutions. Example, perhaps we have it all wrong when we spend billions annually to house prisoners, but we leave our wounded veterans homeless. They served our country, and did so with honor. The common criminal, where exactly is his honor? Do they really deserve mercy after needlessly taking a life?  Have we really lost sight of what is best for the whole in order to satisfy the few? When did the minority begin to lead the majority? Sure, everyone deserves a voice, but that doesn’t mean it is going to be agreed with. Not everyone would agree with my solutions to the world’s issues.

So, what does that make me? Someone who has given up on the humanity of the world. When hatred seems to be the leading factor in so many decisions, why would I have a ton of hope for it? Look at all the wars, and the potential for another one right here on the borders of the USA and Mexico. We have lines drawn on a map that says, “this is our land, stay out.” Yet, we didn’t make the land. It is not ours, it is only borrowed. What the real solution to this is, I don’t know. Perhaps we wouldn’t have such a massive financial crisis looming if we spent billions on simply helping to improve water systems, instead of bombing the hell out of a place for oil. When money drives the world, only evil can follow, and we have become a very materialistic society.

Sure. I look at the world and see a host of problems, but I also see the chance to do better. And the reality of that is, it starts with me. Do I have enough hope to change the world all by myself, no. But, the thing about hope is that it is contagious. When you place hope on what you bring as a value to the world, instead of conforming to the societal decisions, it does spread. Everyone is unique, and they have to find their own value that they bring to the world. We have lost sight of this. Not everyone is meant to be a computer programmer or other office based jobs. We have lost sight of the value of our differences. When we peacefully celebrate the differences of humanity, accepting that we are not all going to agree on political, economic and religious belief’s, we can then begin to change the world.

Fighting over whether or not Christ died on the cross, or whether he was a messiah or a prophet, where is there really peace in that? When we treat each other with so much hatred, war is always the only result. Does this mean I like everyone I meet? No, but I don’t intend to go to war over it, not without a damn good cause. And I know what my values are, and what is justifiably a good cause for me. These are things that each individual decides for themselves.

As for the prisoners vs. veterans. Take the prison system. Overhaul it. Put people back to breaking rocks for the minor offenses, while living in a tent city, and turn those billion dollar facilities into a housing scenario for our wounded and downtrodden warriors to heal. As for anyone not capable of living in society without causing harm, well they caused harm, therefore, get a rope. They forfeit their right to life when they so brazenly take another’s without an honorable cause.

Enough is enough. When we expand human rights to people who have abdicated their right to be amongst society, where should it say that I will take better care of you than far more deserving people? And what kind of deterrent would that be? Maybe our broken society has a chance, but it is because I know that there are people saying change begins with me.

Wonder and Loss

It has been a while since I have written, and it is because I began to decipher where I wanted to go with this blog. I have wrestled with the decision, but it finally came down to there are many people like me who were/are lost, and they may not know how to really find their way. So, I figured I would tell my story, with gentle eloquence, and allow people to make up their own minds about what path they need to take that best suits their needs, hopes, fears and soul.

The first eight years of my life were a very difficult path, and it left me angry, hurt and bitter for so many years. I will never disclose that story, as it is not one most people could handle. I can say with everything in me, that the path of heartache, and harm, allowed me to become who I am today. It formed the deepest empathy for people, especially the down and broken, even if I know that I can’t help them find their way. That is not something any one can do. Everyone’s path is their own to walk. The directions it will take, you cannot control. You can only advise, and hope that the counsel you give is what they needed to hear. Even when they may not be able to hear it, or at least seem not to.

By the time I reached my teenage years, I felt very lost and alone. But, who doesn’t feel lost and alone in the teenage years with all the awkward that it is. Changing bodies, changing relationships, it is all about a time of change, and well, I can honestly say, I did not handle it well; though I succeeded at graduating to adulthood. I have come to be able to look at the teen years from both sides of the equation as the time of preparation. The innocence of childhood is left behind, and the struggle to become a functioning adult begins. We, as parents, are the teachers that will help shape and mold this time, as long as the fractures of mistakes don’t rise up and bite like a cobra.

And then, lo and behold, the realm of life that I will begin.

I was twenty years old, and already a divorced mother of one beautiful daughter, and pregnant with my second child. Fear surrounded every breath, every second of that time, yet, somehow I knew that it would be ok in the end. I was on bed rest, and had far too much time to analyze everything. From my relationship with the father to the upcoming birth of my daughter. I had already failed at a marriage, and that was my problem. I had failed. What ever made me think I could be a parent on my own? Yet, within a month, I would be exactly that. A single parent with a newborn, beautiful, baby girl.

I was fortunate to have the backbone of my parents behind me, even though I really didn’t deserve it. I had given them hell. But, we love our children, no matter how wrong they are, no matter how many mistakes they make. And, its a good thing that the love of a parent is blind, because well, I would have been kicked to the curb long before this time frame if it had been any other relationship.

Thus, the birth of my daughter arrived, and I was thrilled!! She had made it to full term, and was healthy. That was the beginning of a beautiful life, full of the duality that surrounds us in this world.

At this time, I was certain of my beliefs, I just didn’t know anyone who really believed the same things I did. I have always been a person to look at what is right and what is wrong in a very black and white state. I have never been one to have shades of grey, or the tolerance for them. People say I have strong morals, and they are probably correct, even if I don’t always handle them in the best response. I have committed wrongs to try and correct someone’s actions that directly affect me or my family.

Thus, I looked at the world as if drawn by the most magnificent artist. Every blade of grass was the beauty of a brush stroke. Every flower elegantly painted to for the color spectrum. I saw the diversity of people as an amazing thing, even if one could not always agree. I saw the duality of people as something to celebrate. That the flaws were like the shading in a drawing, which highlights the best features of the persona. I saw the world as one giant competition as well. But, I did not understand how right I was. Not then.

I claimed to be a Christian because it was the only faith I knew. Not because it was what I understood. And, I believed in things that seemed to lie outside of the approved dogma of the system. I also did not attend church, for I was not ever really raised in the church, but in the times I had attended, I felt like it was innately wrong. Like I was the outsider who would never fit into the puzzle of their beliefs. To me, what I did know and read from the Bible, I felt was such a narrow gaze. And the one question I always kept coming back to, is if I believe things to be possible that do not fit into the spectrum of the beliefs, what did that make me? Evil?

It was about this time that I met my future husband. We were friends, and perhaps we landed together because we were both lost. I don’t know. What I do know is that we had a similar thought on our beliefs. Until, we decided to have children, twins. The reality of the world began to really sink in, and looking at all 4 of my children, I began to ponder, what did I want for them? What kind of upbringing did I want for such beautiful creations? And, that was it. Time to pack up the family, and head off to church. We were not an every Sunday attender, as broken down vehicles and hospitalizations would pull us away. By the time the first two years of living the Christian belief system had come around, we had been married in the church, began to raise our children to believe in the Word, and everything was broken.

But, I held strong to my faith, and over the years, I became a bible thumping Christian. At one point, I threw away my daughters books because they talked about the Roman gods, and I saw her losing her faith. Yep, full blown, bible thumping Christian. And, though I knew my marriage of 10+ years was over, it was the Band-Aid that held it together, along with not wanting my children to grow up in a broken home.

No, I couldn’t see how broken it already was, no matter how much we pretended that we were so in love. My middle daughter was not naïve. She saw it. Though, she didn’t scream it out loud, she would say things that told me she saw it. She has always had an intuition that I understood. Though, she will live a difficult road trying to come to an understanding of it herself.

At the end of my marriage, I stood at the crossroads, and began to again decide what I wanted for my children. Did I want them to really believe that there was not choices to be made after you had made a mistake, or did I want them to believe that they had options, no matter what the biblical guide said. And, so I began to look at what I believed, again. This time though, I had to break down the answer to a question. Who owns the pornographic industry? And, I got my answer, but I never expected it to involve my spiritual beliefs.

The fracture at finding out that the belief system of Sodom and Gomorrah had not died, and that it was the very same people who owned and profited from it, well, that was destructive.

So, I began to hear one scripture in my head. Seek and ye shall find. So, I began that process. I didn’t at first go searching in books and such. I began by sitting on my front porch every morning, drinking coffee, and watching the sun rise. I began to notice a process. The birds sang with every rise of the sun. It would start with one bird, almost like it was the alarm clock, and then progressively, they would join in. I noticed that the animal kingdom was seemingly celebrating the arrival of the sun. And, they were. Whether it was, the sun is up, now it is time to wake and live, or what I cannot say. I have never heard the wisdom of the birds.

But, as I began to really watch the world, I began to see a duality to it. And to me, it was art. And, the more I saw that duality, the more I began to understand, I was not an evil sinful person bound to the depths of hell. I was just believing in something that didn’t fit. I was the puzzle piece that had to find the right puzzle. And, so began my journey.

And that is the journey I will tell. The past several years of finding myself.

Teaching Daughters

Image I look at this photo, and wonder. I wonder how a young girl who appeared to have a million chances to lay a path for her future could have it go so terribly wrong, while at the same time influencing the world. Does this mean the world follows her, no. But, she does influence some. To others, this is the laughing stock she has become…Image

I did not put the worst possible picture up, because I will not further her influence of trashy behavior.  What has feminism become? When nudity and sex is the prevailing force behind what women began fighting for so long ago? I have to wonder if they would be disgusted with today’s women and the behaviors that are being thrown around as women’s liberation. They began with simply fighting for equality. A voice, the right to vote, so that they could have an opinion. So, that when politics came up in conversation, their opinion mattered and they didn’t stand in the background of conversation. Where they were to be seen, and not heard, as children were once said to be, and are sometimes still said to be.

So, what would they say? Would they grab each and every woman by the ear and drag us around and scream that this is not what we were fighting for! We were fighting for equal footing sure, but not this. Not so women could run around scantily clad looking like fools! What are we as women really saying? That sex can get me anything I want? Really? How many marriages are successful today with that motto? How many families are destroyed by sex sales? By affairs of many forms? How many heartaches are felt as the children suffer the hardest blows?

Sure, equality is a good thing, but in the right ways, and ladies, I am here to say that we have lost sight of that. I would rather teach my children that, then teach them that we are on the right track, because, pardon my bluntness here, that is BULLSHIT! We are so far off track that we look like fools, see example above.

There are many women who can pull of classy, well mannered, well behaved, and they do it without selling their very souls. Because sex is attached to the soul. You lose a piece of yourself with every partner you have. So, therefore, choose wisely. Dress modestly, and save your heart and soul for the one that is going to appreciate the real  you. Not the fake façade that you put on as armor against the world. Because that is not love. That is not going to gain you anything but heartache.

What you will gain is being lost. Broken. AND one day left wondering how the hell I got here? Then, you will look back and see the road to hell is paved with bad choices. So, learn from mistakes, even from the ones you didn’t yourself make. Heed the advice and warnings of your predecessors, and understand that you are on a one way trip to the land of insanity. Where you will lose that land of happiness you think you are carving. Because truth is, you are creating bad habits, and those habits break what you will later try to build.

And, truth is, this is good advice for both sons and daughters, I can only tell from the perspective of a girl though. And the fight that our ancestors fought to give us the rights we take for granted. Hope you heed the warning of a previous generation.