Meandering Wings

The isolated carapace who dreams internal
  Daydreams yonder borders she stifles…
  Mystic in shadows fallen and lame
  She ponders how she emerged as ashamed
  Her earlier illumination, now a shattered lamp
  By what virtue did her tenacity rupture in this camp
  Season up season chastening repression
  The rushing waters of monotony crowd
  Repugnant behaviors constant; unwaning.
  Weeping sorrows, no restraining.
  Utopias rosiness danced away
  The dashing Prince of Permanence strayed
  Cloaking in the veil of silence she roamed
  Her heart became the elusive stone
  Why administer blessings of love
  If the outcome is the injured dove
  Flapping upon mutilated wings
  She maneuvers a mount upon a tree
  No longer indulging her voice to sing
  She shelters seasons pace among her three
  Hoping unity is what they require
  Sustaining upon three’s desire
  Observant as the time does pass
  Miseries ever twinkling jab
  Biding her time ’til determination achieves
  She champions ‘Neath meandering wings
  Deceitful words stabbing their wounds
  She places herself in censorships tomb
  Smoothing her kiss upon three’s every wound
  Her censorship begins to become unwound
  She laid upon him the kiss of fury
  Singing the words of the deceptive story
  The dove begins to heal within
  And the glass begins to reform again
  The illumination is different than before
  But she’s still opening the sealed doors
  The dove begins to heal within
  The glass begins to reform
  The sun now shines once more
  And the three have their mother better than before.

Hope

Giving freedom
a whim of cost
hoping something isn’t lost
Daring to step beyond the fear
Learning to love again
Walking alone in shadowed halls
Always afraid to fall
Glimpsing back at the pain
How many times did it rain
Seeking the sun to shine…
Not just fueled by my pride
Screaming for something more
To be the reason I walk through the door
I have glimpsed the rain
The hateful pain
The deepest pits of rage
I’m standing on the other side
Daring to take a ride
Fighting for another chance
At the life I didn’t get
Success in all things real
That is my goal here
I won’t settle for less than this
I have chosen the directional bliss
I know where I want to be
today and tomorrow planned, you’ll see
I will spread my wings
Let the wind guide me there
Not worry if life’s not fair
Every hardship teaches much
If I glimpse the lesson taught.
Look beyond the glass stare
Beyond the vacant words of care
To what my future holds for me
Something only I can create

Hardships

I walked up with a dazzling smile

Inquired about the man they hired

Unbeknownst to me

My future stood before me

My husband was speaking his name

My life was about to change

Cinderella’s slipper was broken glass

Smashed hard; mighty fast

Hidden behind closed doors

Things never revealed before

Manipulation was the game

She is broken, lame

Never will she be the same

I cook and clean the house

What a useless spouse

Whoa is me was his cry

To all that listened to his lies

Hidden were the deepest scars

The words that tore my heart

Over years killed the love

Made it easy to hide more

Pretend it was me

The one to blame

But little eyes changed the view

Who is teaching who

What person do you want them to be

Who do you want them to see

The broken fool in bed

Or a woman who has value

Stand up, teach them how

That when you fall

It’s ok

Get up, face mistakes

Life doesn’t stop today

Tomorrow will rise anyway

Prepare to cry if it’s hard

Then walk into the sun

Stand tall

Handle the hardship

One piece at a time

You will be just fine.

Love will surround you

Wait and see

From people you thought didn’t believe.

 

Why Won’t You Go Mom?

My daughter asked me why I don’t go to church. And what seemed like such a simple answer had such a deep response of emotion in me, that all I could answer was, “bricks and mortar!” But, after some thought, I knew the answer that had always been obvious to me, even if I didn’t have the words to say it. Jesus, the man depicted in the Bible and everything else I have read, and that’s a lot, didn’t teach in a church. He taught in the streets, among the people. He didn’t stand in a building, in a $3000.00 suit, he walked among the people. He threw the money changers out of the temple for that very reason. And, so thus to me, the church is a business. One that has lost the real sight of what the teachings were. To take care of your neighbor as a family. To live as a community. Because, we are after all, diverse, but all trying to figure out the very same question. What is my purpose on this Earth?

So, my dear daughter, I have always seemed to understand naturally, that God is everywhere. That I don’t need a building to believe in him. That I am the design I was made to be. I have come to figure out that fighting that design, brings my flaws into sharper contrast with the beauty I have to give the world. And that is a balance I hope to achieve.

If the church is where you feel you belong, then please, go. But, as for me and my faith, it is best served beyond the borders of the building.

That doesn’t mean I love you any less.

 

Eggshells, Armor, and Solutions

There are people in this world, some who are amazing at pretending to have this deep and penetrating armor until you get to know them. Then, you start to see, as you peel the pieces of the armor, that it really is an eggshell, that it peels away easily, and that right there on the surface is their heart, exposed to the world, and everything hurts. Every look, every statement. And in today’s world there is more negativity being thrown around than anything uplifting. Eventually, that takes a toll. It comes out in their smile. It comes out in their voice. It comes out as anger. At themselves, at others, at the world. And, the places that deserve it, well, those places may not be the ones that are attainable to fight. They may not be something fixable, as how can one person really fight the negativity of the world? The mundane task of a day that just simply tear you down because everyone has sadness and anger written on their face? One person cannot fix a land that has seemed to given up.

So, one keeps their head down, and they hold on to the joys that surround them. The occasional lands of bliss that brighten their world. The product of search in the mundane, that creates their island of joy in this world. The life they consider worth living and fighting for. Even if they don’t always go about it in the ways others would agree with. That is the uniqueness of a person, we all approach things differently, thus coming up with different solutions, to arrive at the best possible outcome.

So, have we placed the best possible solutions out there? I don’t know. What I do know, is that it is time for us to lift our gaze beyond the little lands of happy that we have created for ourselves. We must lift the gaze to the future, and see that our children, and grandchildren deserve the chance to have their lands of happy too. And thus, we need to encompass what world we want to pass on to them. How to achieve this will take people coming out of the haze, and offering solutions, not more anger to the problem, to thus arrive at the best possible outcome for the next 7 generations, and an maybe an example that our following generations would be proud to follow. Because what I see, well, is just not working. And the problems we are leaving to clean up are mounting by the day. So, let’s get to problem solving, not problem creating.

7 Generations

I am not vengeful. I am a mother. And when someone openly attacks a common child’s favorite food because it is too white! Well, I have a problem with that! That is like saying popsicles should be banned because they are too phallic. Seriously, when does something go too far? When does sensitivity training over a peanut butter and jelly sandwich become necessary because it doesn’t cross all cultural borders!

I am white, I am proud of my heritage, and I am allowed to be. Stop trying to tell me any different. I want my kids to be proud of their heritage. I want them to earn their positions in life, not have them handed to them. That is never something I have demanded, nor asked for. But, I have never been accepting of anyone who demands that of me.

If I don’t have enough food, it is not beyond my realm of concept to go outside and dig up the earth in rows and grow my own food to supplement what I cannot buy. And this is something I am considering doing anyway just to save money on my budgetary needs when the spring planting season comes around. So, this is not beyond the realm of possibilities for anyone, even if you rent your home. Because I have had to account for that hurdle as well.

The excuse and blame arena is getting thick with pathetic mantra’s and the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is just the latest addition to an already tense situation. What is it going to take to ignite what we have allowed our political leaders to divide? Because, well, truth is, that is exactly the legacy that we have sitting here before us.

Throw out the words of Martin Luther King, and the work of Abraham Lincoln, because he is doing everything he can to make them null and void. The tapestry that is being woven at this moment will take a long time to unravel, and this is not the 7 generation statement I want to leave behind. We affect 7 generations ahead. It takes 7 generations to clean up our messes. So, what do we really want for them? What finger print do we want to leave behind when we are gone? And our children and their generations are looking at us through the eyes of history? That 20/20 vision that we don’t have the luxury of in this moment. This is our moment to make the decisions that will mold their future. What can we do in the best interest of our children? That is the deepest of the questions here. Ask yourself what world you really want to see for them, you might just be able to begin shaping it for them.

White Guilt

I have heard it said that when white guilt removes it’s barriers, that there will be problems. From where I am standing, that is exactly what we are walking into. The white race is tired of being blamed for the past. We are tired of being blamed for the oppression of people. Because, by now, ample opportunities have been given to stand up and take responsibilities for yourselves!

How dare I say this! Well, I dare. I dare as a single mother of four who is actually ahead of schedule on her goals. Her goals of getting off disability. Her goals of removing herself off of welfare. Her goal of no longer requiring pain meds to manage her debilitating pains. No, I stood up and took responsibility. Something my mother evidently understood when she raised me! I removed the negative influences of my life, and I stood up. By the end of next year, I will be fully self sufficient and not relying on the government to subsidize my income. I will be providing for my children. I will.

Where will you be in a year? In five? Will you still be demanding that the government take the hard earned wages of others to pay your bills?

Yes, I know, it seems that I sound like both sides here. I am asking for the very thing you are doing. BUT – here is the vital difference. I am doing something to change my circumstances! What are you doing to better yourself for tomorrow? What are you doing for yourself and your children? Getting a job, 2 jobs? Going to college?

The only thing that holds you back, is yourself. Not me, my family, my kids. YOURSELF! SO, the next time you want to blame someone, go to your mirror, and look there. Cause I am no longer listening. I have no guilt for your problems, I have my own to deal with, thank you!