When Life Kills your Faith

I was standing there, at there at the biggest crossroads of my life. After 15 years of marriage, I had a choice. Do I continue being married to someone who was never going to change the choices that he was making or did I change my choices? Did I make the only choice I had left at this point? I had tried everything else to address the elephant between us, and nothing worked. But, my faith always stood in the way. I deeply believed that if I got a divorce, I was going straight to hell.

So, I clipped my wings so to speak, went to my parents for help, and gave him a one way greyhound to his parents home.

Fine, I am bound for hell. But, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was painful. The cuts of this choice were ripping and gnashing me to my very core. How could I do this to my soul? Eternal damnation? Why? Haven’t I been through enough hell up to this point in my life? Haven’t I suffered enough for you yet? These became my questions. Because heartache and strife have been the landmarks that I have lived by. As my mother tells me, if it weren’t for bad luck I would have no luck at all.

But, I began to reflect. And I realized this was not always the belief system I had. And, I never felt close to God in church. So, why am I carrying so much guilt about what felt like the only choice I had? I began to look. And the answers came. They came when I would go on walks, and the overwhelming presence of God was there in front of me. It was in the design of a leaf, or the formation of clouds, the uniqueness of the snow. The uniqueness of every human form on Earth. It was in the structure of a finger print and how no one else has one like mine.

So, I began to look more at nature, and realized that in nature, there is a duality. There is a good and wonderful healing bounty to it. And, there is a destructive force behind it that you don’t want to be on the other side of. Such as a tornado, hurricane, or tsunami. We are no different. We are designed to be a duality. There is nothing evil about that. Everything has it’s purpose, and the problem is, we as a human race have lost sight of this purpose. Because, we believe aspects of ourselves to be broken and evil. How can what God created ever be evil? He made us. So, he put all of the aspects there. Even the influences that affect who we become. So, really? Evil.

No, we are not. We are part of a far bigger design that we can understand. And maybe that was the true message that all of us have missed.

SO, no, I am not a Christian anymore. Why, because, I see God in everything. I don’t think we are here to control the Earth. I think we are here to live in harmony with it, and that falls under the pagan beliefs. But, the truth is, I really don’t classify myself as anything, because I learn from everything, and I believe that is what I am supposed to do. That is the true deeper mystery of it all.

Be blessed on your journey, as your path is different from mine.

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