Wonder and Loss

It has been a while since I have written, and it is because I began to decipher where I wanted to go with this blog. I have wrestled with the decision, but it finally came down to there are many people like me who were/are lost, and they may not know how to really find their way. So, I figured I would tell my story, with gentle eloquence, and allow people to make up their own minds about what path they need to take that best suits their needs, hopes, fears and soul.

The first eight years of my life were a very difficult path, and it left me angry, hurt and bitter for so many years. I will never disclose that story, as it is not one most people could handle. I can say with everything in me, that the path of heartache, and harm, allowed me to become who I am today. It formed the deepest empathy for people, especially the down and broken, even if I know that I can’t help them find their way. That is not something any one can do. Everyone’s path is their own to walk. The directions it will take, you cannot control. You can only advise, and hope that the counsel you give is what they needed to hear. Even when they may not be able to hear it, or at least seem not to.

By the time I reached my teenage years, I felt very lost and alone. But, who doesn’t feel lost and alone in the teenage years with all the awkward that it is. Changing bodies, changing relationships, it is all about a time of change, and well, I can honestly say, I did not handle it well; though I succeeded at graduating to adulthood. I have come to be able to look at the teen years from both sides of the equation as the time of preparation. The innocence of childhood is left behind, and the struggle to become a functioning adult begins. We, as parents, are the teachers that will help shape and mold this time, as long as the fractures of mistakes don’t rise up and bite like a cobra.

And then, lo and behold, the realm of life that I will begin.

I was twenty years old, and already a divorced mother of one beautiful daughter, and pregnant with my second child. Fear surrounded every breath, every second of that time, yet, somehow I knew that it would be ok in the end. I was on bed rest, and had far too much time to analyze everything. From my relationship with the father to the upcoming birth of my daughter. I had already failed at a marriage, and that was my problem. I had failed. What ever made me think I could be a parent on my own? Yet, within a month, I would be exactly that. A single parent with a newborn, beautiful, baby girl.

I was fortunate to have the backbone of my parents behind me, even though I really didn’t deserve it. I had given them hell. But, we love our children, no matter how wrong they are, no matter how many mistakes they make. And, its a good thing that the love of a parent is blind, because well, I would have been kicked to the curb long before this time frame if it had been any other relationship.

Thus, the birth of my daughter arrived, and I was thrilled!! She had made it to full term, and was healthy. That was the beginning of a beautiful life, full of the duality that surrounds us in this world.

At this time, I was certain of my beliefs, I just didn’t know anyone who really believed the same things I did. I have always been a person to look at what is right and what is wrong in a very black and white state. I have never been one to have shades of grey, or the tolerance for them. People say I have strong morals, and they are probably correct, even if I don’t always handle them in the best response. I have committed wrongs to try and correct someone’s actions that directly affect me or my family.

Thus, I looked at the world as if drawn by the most magnificent artist. Every blade of grass was the beauty of a brush stroke. Every flower elegantly painted to for the color spectrum. I saw the diversity of people as an amazing thing, even if one could not always agree. I saw the duality of people as something to celebrate. That the flaws were like the shading in a drawing, which highlights the best features of the persona. I saw the world as one giant competition as well. But, I did not understand how right I was. Not then.

I claimed to be a Christian because it was the only faith I knew. Not because it was what I understood. And, I believed in things that seemed to lie outside of the approved dogma of the system. I also did not attend church, for I was not ever really raised in the church, but in the times I had attended, I felt like it was innately wrong. Like I was the outsider who would never fit into the puzzle of their beliefs. To me, what I did know and read from the Bible, I felt was such a narrow gaze. And the one question I always kept coming back to, is if I believe things to be possible that do not fit into the spectrum of the beliefs, what did that make me? Evil?

It was about this time that I met my future husband. We were friends, and perhaps we landed together because we were both lost. I don’t know. What I do know is that we had a similar thought on our beliefs. Until, we decided to have children, twins. The reality of the world began to really sink in, and looking at all 4 of my children, I began to ponder, what did I want for them? What kind of upbringing did I want for such beautiful creations? And, that was it. Time to pack up the family, and head off to church. We were not an every Sunday attender, as broken down vehicles and hospitalizations would pull us away. By the time the first two years of living the Christian belief system had come around, we had been married in the church, began to raise our children to believe in the Word, and everything was broken.

But, I held strong to my faith, and over the years, I became a bible thumping Christian. At one point, I threw away my daughters books because they talked about the Roman gods, and I saw her losing her faith. Yep, full blown, bible thumping Christian. And, though I knew my marriage of 10+ years was over, it was the Band-Aid that held it together, along with not wanting my children to grow up in a broken home.

No, I couldn’t see how broken it already was, no matter how much we pretended that we were so in love. My middle daughter was not na├»ve. She saw it. Though, she didn’t scream it out loud, she would say things that told me she saw it. She has always had an intuition that I understood. Though, she will live a difficult road trying to come to an understanding of it herself.

At the end of my marriage, I stood at the crossroads, and began to again decide what I wanted for my children. Did I want them to really believe that there was not choices to be made after you had made a mistake, or did I want them to believe that they had options, no matter what the biblical guide said. And, so I began to look at what I believed, again. This time though, I had to break down the answer to a question. Who owns the pornographic industry? And, I got my answer, but I never expected it to involve my spiritual beliefs.

The fracture at finding out that the belief system of Sodom and Gomorrah had not died, and that it was the very same people who owned and profited from it, well, that was destructive.

So, I began to hear one scripture in my head. Seek and ye shall find. So, I began that process. I didn’t at first go searching in books and such. I began by sitting on my front porch every morning, drinking coffee, and watching the sun rise. I began to notice a process. The birds sang with every rise of the sun. It would start with one bird, almost like it was the alarm clock, and then progressively, they would join in. I noticed that the animal kingdom was seemingly celebrating the arrival of the sun. And, they were. Whether it was, the sun is up, now it is time to wake and live, or what I cannot say. I have never heard the wisdom of the birds.

But, as I began to really watch the world, I began to see a duality to it. And to me, it was art. And, the more I saw that duality, the more I began to understand, I was not an evil sinful person bound to the depths of hell. I was just believing in something that didn’t fit. I was the puzzle piece that had to find the right puzzle. And, so began my journey.

And that is the journey I will tell. The past several years of finding myself.